Letting Go of Guilt

At times, caregiving for someone living with dementia can be very challenging, and you are likely to experience an array of feelings and emotions. One often spoken of by caregivers is the feeling of guilt.

As a caregiver, you may feel that you are not doing a good enough job of caring for or setting up supports for your person, or you may be struggling to accept help. During a recent support group, the feeling of guilt was mentioned. The unity and support were noteworthy, demonstrating these feelings are very common and completely normal as a caregiver.

You may feel bad about how you treated your loved one living with dementia before the diagnosis, or even current feelings of guilt you have about getting angry or irritated and even wanting time apart. No one can foresee what the future holds. Dementia can have a profound effect and change in a person’s behavior, making it difficult to understand and overwhelming at times. We all get frustrated with people at times. It is a normal reaction and it’s especially difficult to understand changes with something that we do not have experience, guidance and knowledge of.

Many caregivers experience feelings of guilt over sending their loved one into a skilled nursing facility or feeling shameful about accepting help for others. Looking after someone living with dementia is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and accepting help whether from a person or day center will give you more energy to perform at your best and provide care longer. The feeling of guilt related to placing your person in a skilled care setting often accompanies betrayal, breaking a promise you made, or letting your person down, or even later feelings that you should have held out longer. But we must keep in mind these promises were made under completely different circumstances and the caregiving role does not go away – it is just a different way of caring.

Recognizing these communal feelings of guilt and letting them go by working through them will benefit your overall well-being and help move you forward with an understanding that we are all only human and these are realistic emotions. Caregiving is very stressful, so remember to try to take care of yourself by doing something you enjoy and practicing relaxation techniques. This will help move you forward with a more positive stance.

The Power of the Breath

Deep breathing exercises can help reset your breath to help relieve feelings associated with stress. Normalizing our breathing rhythm helps reduce stress, improve mood and control emotions by increasing oxygen to the lungs and lowering blood pressure and heart rates, while supporting tension reduction. Below are just a few deep breathing techniques that are widely used, and easy to learn and do any place at any time.

Pursed-Lip Breathing or Smell the Flowers – Blow out the Candles: This is an oldie but goodie exercise. Slowly smell the flowers (through your nose) for five seconds, then, slowly blow out the candles (through your mouth) for five seconds.

Box Breathing: This is an imaginative breathing exercise that helps your mind focus on your breathing. It is easy to learn and can be done anywhere at any time. If able, place both feet on the ground. Image a square box. Inhale counting to five as you slowly move up the box. Then hold the breath for the count of five while moving across the top of the box. Now exhale while imagining moving down slowly the box for the count of five, then pause for the count of five while moving across the bottom of the box.

Lion’s Breath: During this exercise, you stick out your tongue and roar like a lion, is another helpful deep breathing practice. It can help relax the muscles in your face and jaw, alleviate stress. The exercise is best performed in a comfortable, seated position, leaning forward slightly with your hands on your knees or the floor. Spread your fingers as wide as possible. Inhale through your nose, then open your mouth wide, stick out your tongue, and stretch it down toward your chin while making “ha” sound. Breathe normally for a few moments. Repeat lion’s breath up to seven times.

Mindful Meditation: This involves focusing on your breathing and bringing your attention to the present without allowing your mind to drift to the past or future. Engaging in mindfulness breathing exercises serves the same purpose, which can help ease stress and anxious feelings. There are many meditation techniques that help with reducing stress and normalize your breathing pattern, which can be found on You Tube. LifeCare Memory Partners offers a 15-minute Mindful Meditation virtual group every Monday morning at 8:15 (see calendar for more information). Please join us to help learn these techniques and to feel more confident doing them on your own and incorporating it into your everyday routine for healthier well-being and relaxed mind and body.